The “Feral” Side of Feral Doe

If you’ve read my artist statement, you know that Feral Doe is essentially the dual sides of me.  I noticed recently that I talk pretty freely about the “Doe” side: naive, bubbly, sweet; but I don’t really mention the “Feral” so much, other than to say it’s “fierce”.  After putting some thought into it, here’s why I think that is.  Doe is my natural state.  I was born Doe.  When I wake up in the morning, when I go about my day, when I go to bed at night, it’s all Doe.  Feral is a side of me that was created out of necessity.  It’s not my natural state, and it’s not a state that came naturally to me.  I had to adapt to it, and accept it as part of me.
Feral was created as a buffer for the harsh parts of life.  When someone is being cruel towards me, Feral rises up.  I remember my mom witnessing such an interaction once, and her description of it was “Your fangs came out.”
That’s essentially the way with Feral.  My fangs are retracted 99% of the time, but in that 1% of the time that I need them, they’re out.  And that’s okay.
If you know me in real life, you know that I honestly feel that one of the reasons we’re put on this earth is to spread love.  So this was a hard aspect of myself to accept at first.  I don’t WANT to be Feral, I don’t LIKE using my fangs.  Sometimes there’s just no other way.
And it has undoubtedly made me stronger, growing this Feral armor.  I can see that it probably sounds like I’m making Feral out to be a bad thing, but it’s not.  I don’t know how I would’ve overcame some of the tougher stuff I’ve been through without it.  I’m just still getting used to it.  I’m Feral when I’m pushed to be Feral, but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful that I can be that way when I have to be.  I’m still getting used to the fact that I’m strong.  That probably sounds like a weird statement, but it’s honestly true.  I’ve never really considered myself to be a strong or brave person, despite experiencing situations where I have been strong and brave.
I think that our perceptions of ourselves are constantly evolving; I know mine still is.  So is my relationship with being Feral.
xx Nicole

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